


Lethe

by raiya_kun



Category: DRAMAtical Murder
Genre: Angst, M/M, One-Sided Attraction, One-Sided Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-11-27
Updated: 2014-11-27
Packaged: 2018-02-27 05:08:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,880
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2680304
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raiya_kun/pseuds/raiya_kun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The beginning comes painfully swift, like the spark of electricity when one slips a forgotten plug into its socket. Ren could not identify the cause, but one day, he remembers.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Lethe

**Author's Note:**

> I should stop listening to Sarishinohara because it turns me into a sobbing mess of feels. It's dangerous to have that song around while thinking of Ren and his devotion to Aoba (‘﹏*๑) The lyrics are just...UGH.
> 
> The idea refused to leave me in peace to do my work, so I ended up writing this for one straight sitting. And I think I pretty much got carried away (つω⊂* ) I have always wondered about a lot of things revolving around Ren and the exact nature of his existence in the game (and his possible future in any of the other routes), so technically part of this is me trying to work around those things. (I also ended up drawing a pic to go along with it because I like torturing myself with feels that way.)
> 
> Anyway, please enjoy.

“Cause I'll be here giving all my love to you  
Even if there wasn't a lot for me to do.  
I'll keep on trying harder to walk you through.”

 _—『サリシノハラ』(Sarishinohara) –English ver-, Mikito-P + neko_  

* * *

 

**Ren is Aoba's AllMate.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

The beginning comes painfully swift, like the spark of electricity when one slips a forgotten plug into its socket. Ren could not identify the cause, but one day, he remembers.

It does not come all at once, thankfully, but the first influx of information is so jarring that he does not notice Aoba speaking to him until the blue-haired male lifts him up and brings his face close to Ren's in concern. Ren is rattled, but he manages to brush aside Aoba's worries, and the latter ends up saying that he will be leaving for a date, and he asks if it will be alright with Ren if he leaves him behind for a short while because…. Aoba trails off sheepishly, his face turning a bright shade of red as he averts his eyes from Ren.

Had Ren been at his usual, he would have been quick to say he did not mind, knowing fully well how Aoba had taken to wanting to spend time privately with the man he loved. Given the attitude Ren has been programmed with, he has always been logical about the matter, immediately asking if Aoba would also like to have the other man's AllMate stay behind and assuring him that he would keep the other animal company if that was the case. But that day, Ren stalls for so long that Aoba thinks he has gone into sleep mode accidentally.

In a barely audible voice, which Aoba is only able to hear because of the proximity of their faces, Ren tells him it is fine.

He does not ask if Aoba also wants to leave the other AllMate behind. Does not make the offer of keeping it company.

He ponders on whether he should tell Aoba. Tell him of who he, Ren, really is. But as Aoba's face brightens at his response (and most probably also at the prospect of being able to be alone with his lover), Ren's words desert him (and yet, his language processors are functioning as well as ever), and he lets Aoba settle him down before preparing to leave.

Ren is quiet (his thoughts anything but) as Aoba closes the door behind him. He feels a tightening inside his small chest.

Which is impossible. After all, all he has there are the tangles of wires and the cold metal of circuitry.

**Ren is special to Aoba.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

Aoba's smile has gotten brighter, Ren notes one time as he watches Aoba and his lover talking. The soft whispers, the small touches, the furtive, stolen glances—Ren's dark, unblinking eyes capture an image of each small thing Aoba does, and he burns them deep into himself. Deeper than the memory banks at his core. Past the recipes Aoba had wanted him to store for reference whenever he cooked food he would pack in boxes for private lunches for two. Past the instructions for knitting the scarf that Aoba had given as a present last Christmas, beaming with pride. Past the innumerable pictures of two men embracing, smiling, kissing.

He burns them deep into himself, and for a brief moment, he makes believe he has transformed them into _human_ memories—transitory and potentially unreliable, but his, and his alone.

He stops only when he sees the other man lean forward, take Aoba's face in his hands, and press their foreheads together. Aoba, for a moment, is surprised, but a warm, loving smile blooms on his lips, and he closes his eyes and relishes the feeling, the two of them staying that way for a while. (Three minutes and forty-nine seconds, reads Ren's internal timer.)

Ren turns and walks away, and he knows Aoba does not notice.

Sometime afterwards, Aoba calls him (without the subtle but fervent affection in his voice whenever he whispers the other man's name) and picks him up (without the ardent tenderness, the careful caresses). Aoba smiles (his eyes not brightening with unspoken devotion) and presses their foreheads together briefly (thirty-six seconds, the timer says).

Ren catches himself wishing—if there was any way, if even for a few brief moments, he could have his own, _human_ body, would Aoba's tone become softer when calling his name? Would Aoba's hands touch his more tenderly? Would Aoba's eyes glow with fondness when looking at him?

Would Aoba press his forehead against his for longer?

**Ren is honest.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

When Aoba brings up the topic of his other self one time, Ren feels as if he had just been hit full force in the chest and all air had escaped his lungs. (And he digresses for a second, asking himself, do AllMates even have lungs?) He fears that he may have let slip anything during the past days, and he waits for the questions to come and prepares the apologies he will give—I apologize Aoba, I did not mean to keep it from you Aoba, I thought it was for the best Aoba, I only wanted…

But Aoba does not ask him anything, instead simply telling him about how he has heard this voice in his head before, back when they were still trying to infiltrate Platinum Jail, how he had thought he would be consumed, overtaken, crushed by Scrap…

And Ren realizes that Aoba has not found anything out, and the blue-haired male is narrating all this as one would a tale long past, talking to him as if he does not understand what Aoba had experienced, as if he does not, cannot possibly _know_.

Aoba continues, saying how he has not heard the voice lately, has not sensed the other presence inside of him, and it is as if that other part of him is gone. And it sends Ren's mind reeling—Gone? But how?

But Aoba brushes everything aside like it were a silly thing to be so worked over and utters out loud that the voice inside him might have finally decided to disappear, and he (with painful naiveté) asks Ren about what he thinks.

It is like a betrayal—that is what runs through Ren's mind. To remember himself now, his purpose, only to find that his purpose has become void. He exists as Restraint, but is there anything left for him to restrain?

Is this Desire's vendetta against him, for holding him back all these years?

Ren's silence worries Aoba, and the young man asks if he is alright.

The urge to confess becomes overwhelming, to have Aoba know that Desire is not the only one he has forgotten, but the thought of Aoba's contentedness at present, his peace of mind, living with the person he loved the most (who is not Ren, who could _never_ be Ren), pushes it far back. And even as the personification of Restraint, Ren finds it is excruciatingly painful and difficult, to deny himself the recognition he seeks, but he manages.

He says that the disappearance of the voice might be for the best. Might be the sign that Aoba has found the happiness that could overwhelm whatever he had in his past.

Aoba grins and thanks him.

And Ren wonders if he, too, should be left in the past.

**Ren is dependable.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

Ren stops working, one day.

It is but for a few seconds, but his main processor stalls, and he freezes in the middle of walking behind Aoba and his lover. (He has always trailed behind them, now; Aoba has become prone to forgetting that Ren's small frame could not keep up with a human's normal pace, but Ren does not complain.)

His system recovers before Aoba could even notice, but Ren remains rooted on the spot where he stopped, slowly looking around him with mild curiosity and surprise.

Aoba finally notices he has lagged behind and turns to ask him what is wrong.

Ren says unflinchingly that he does not have a record of this road in his mapping database. Have they strayed from the route they are supposed to take to Delivery Works?

Aoba asks what he means. Delivery Works has long closed, he says. Yoshie-san has moved to the mainland, remember?

Ren stares at him in confusion, before his processors self-troubleshoot and he recalls where he is. He apologizes and tries to make light of it, saying that he has perhaps gotten too used to Clara's pestering that there is the possibility he misses their trips to Yoshie's shop.

Aoba is taken aback at the unexpected proclamation, and then he laughs. He does not expect Ren to be so sentimental, he comments.

When they get home that evening, the full implication of what had happened earlier finally dawns on Ren and immense fear grips him. He considers informing Aoba, but a part of him, a part of him beyond the fraying wiring and the slightly rusted metal panels, protests. Did he not decide that he will try to find a new purpose for himself, to be able to stay by Aoba's side? Aoba may no longer have a need for Restraint, but he surely will still need an AllMate.

The next day, when Ren wakes up, he asks Aoba why they are in a room he has never seen before. 

**Ren is always with Aoba.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

Aoba becomes wary of taking Ren out of the house. When the latter's lapses in memory become more frequent, the blue-haired male immediately takes to finding ways to fix his dear (but not dear enough) companion. But no errors could be detected, whether by him or by the various professionals he consulted.

Ren himself could not explain the cause of his malfunctioning.

His confinement is harrowing. Every day, he wakes up to the same walls, the same ceiling, the same bed, but every day, he finds himself in an alien, new place, not knowing how he got there. This is not Aoba's bed, this is not Aoba's pillow, this is not Aoba's floor, these are not Aoba's clothes…

The one thing that remains constant in his mind is Aoba. At odd times, a bevy of sights and sounds assaults him from within—a soft whisper tinged with a feeling of great fondness, the smooth and deliberate movements of hands, the vibrant yellow of eyes overflowing with love—sights and sounds the origins of which he cannot trace, cannot find among the corrupted folders and drives inside of him. These are what lull him to a calm, even when he would discover himself alone in an unfamiliar room, an unfamiliar house, an unfamiliar world.

Whenever Aoba returns (where does he go? where does he go?), he always checks on Ren, repeats over and over again that he will find a way to fix him, but Ren does not worry, not when Aoba is holding him so close and speaking to him.

He never remembers that he is alone in the mornings.

**Ren cares for Aoba.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

Do miracles for someone… _something_ like him exist? If he prays, will someone listen to a robot? How about to but a fragment of a soul? To…whatever he is?

Will someone listen if he promises to pray from the bottom of his heart (even if he has none)?

But what will you pray for? Something in him asks. What can you possibly desire, when you exist solely to restrain it, to restrain Desire? You do not exist to desire.

(Will someone listen to the prayer of something that is just a voice inside someone's head?)

He will wish for a voice to call out a name, eyes to steal shy glances, and hands to brush against soft cheeks, to draw another close, and to press one's forehead against his for as long as the heavens would allow.

 

**Ren wants to be with Aoba.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

He can no longer return to Aoba, to his mind. It has learned how to balance itself on its own, has filled up the gaps from where Desire and Restraint detached themselves. 

He has become nothing more than an unwarranted excess.

He is thankful that his body's synchronization with Aoba remains functional, even as the other parts of him deteriorate. His thought circuit continues to process Aoba's worries, his musings, his daydreams. His thermal monitor continues to sense the slightest changes in Aoba's temperature, the mild fevers, the slightest chills. His biological sensors continue to pick up the rise and fall of Aoba's blood pressure, his breathing, his heart rate.

But Ren sometimes imagines what it would be like, to guess worry from the deep crease between Aoba's brows, to detect a fever from the heat of Aoba's forehead against his palm, to feel excitement through hearing the rapid thumping in his ear as he lays his head against Aoba's chest.  

 

**Ren loves Aoba.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

The realization comes to him one morning, when he wakes up before Aoba and the man lying beside him. (He is confused by the room he is in, at first, and it takes fourteen minutes before the replacement processor Aoba put in him reminded him of where this place is.)

Thin slivers of sunlight pass through small openings in the curtains on one side of the room, and they cast themselves on the disheveled blankets and the two bodies locked in a tight embrace on the bed.

The arms around Aoba are strong, protective. They are arms that have defended Aoba from all the threats that have come his way, that have kept Aoba safe from all kinds of dangers, that have supported Aoba whenever he fell.

(And Ren's are small and short, unable to even keep pace with Aoba while they walk.)

Yet, those same arms are wrapped around Aoba's body with the utmost gentleness and care, as if they are frightened that the slightest pressure would break him. Ren has seen the same hands, capable of attacking so viciously, cup Aoba's face ever so lightly and stroke his hair with a faint, cautious touch.

Ren watches in his corner of the room, unmoving and silent.

What does jealousy feel?

It is the tightening at the pit of one's stomach, the forceful constricting inside one's chest, the clouding of one's thoughts, the hitching of one's throat, the trembling of one's fists, the pooling of tears behind one's eyes…

Ren experiences none of these. He cannot.

And he asks himself, weakly, is it possible to say he is in love when he has no heart?

**Ren will always be with Aoba.**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

When Aoba asks him that question, Ren readily assures him he will, for as long as Aoba needs him. Aoba is relieved.

(With Aoba's mind stabilized, and his own system falling apart, what is there left for Ren to do?)

**Ren is**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

When Aoba calls his name, who is he referring to? When Aoba looks at him, who does he see?

Neither he nor Desire had ever had any need for names, like humans do. They are all “Aoba,” after all—and at the same time, he and Desire are not, and Ren is aware that it is not something that normal humans can comprehend so easily. To others, there is only one Aoba.

(To Aoba, there are only two.)

Desire had once begrudged him for receiving a name separate from their purpose. And that—the moment he was named—perhaps was when he had fallen into this trap. Aoba had acknowledged him, treated him as a separate being, but still held him dear. And Ren (shamefully) let himself be carried away.

But, now, who is “Ren”? Aoba does not know who is Restraint, does not know he exists. When he named him “Ren,” he named the AllMate that is his shell.

The anxiety grips Ren (the forgotten shred of soul, not the AllMate), and he clings to himself, to the notion that “Ren” is _his_ name, just so he could keep on believing that the “Ren” Aoba calls is _him_ , the “Ren” Aoba asked to stay is _him_.

The “Ren” whose existence Aoba acknowledges is _him_.

He tries desperately to perish the thought that when the last traces of the existence of Restraint disappear, Aoba will still call the AllMate “Ren.”

**r E Ni S**

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

Finally, Ren accepts. It is punishment. Punishment for his failings. Failing to balance Aoba's mind as he should have. Failing to protect Aoba as he should have. Failing to suppress Desire as he should have. Failing to stop himself from developing emotions he was never supposed to have.

For failing to keep himself from being deluded into yearning for things he could never possess.

He accepts, but he continues to wish, fervently, with what little of him (what little of the soul Aoba allowed him to break off so he could exist) is left.

Soft voice. Gentle hands. Sparkling eyes. An eternity together.

 

**○ Yes    ☓ No**

 

* * *

 

“Hey, I am here.  
No matter how small my existence is to you.  
Even if the faults you committed  
End up stabbing me to death.  
I am right here for you.”

_—『サリシノハラ』(Sarishinohara), Mikito-P + Rib_

**Author's Note:**

> HAHahahAHahaHahahAhaaaaaa.... ~~why am I torturing myself like this~~
> 
> ( ~~Also, please excuse the crappy art, I couldn't help myself~~ )
> 
> The lyrics at the beginning and the end are both from _Sarishinohara_ , but the first one is from the English version by [Neko](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3_KxVFXSY6c) while the second one is from the original sung by [Rib.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TzJNI-DxzFo) I actually couldn't decide which one to incorporate into the fanfic, since both versions seem to fit Ren's character so goddamn well I wanna cry. As a sample, the counterpart for Neko's verse in the original is "Even so, I will still like you, / No matter what kind of sullied future faces you / And even if you have a past that you'd want to hide." On the flip side, Neko's version for the lines from the original is "I was always on my own. / I couldn't ever think of letting go. / Oh no, it didn't matter if I was left here to die. / You can cut me deeper but I'll be fine. / Cause in the end I wouldn't mind." It just reflects that dogged (pun intended) loyalty Ren displays and I just...*tries not to cry*
> 
> (And the _hanakotoba_ symbolism for the sunflower is incredibly fitting for Ren too: "My eyes are looking only at you." )
> 
> ANYWAY, like I said earlier, I have a lot of questions when it comes to Ren and his exact nature. I know his developing feelings for Aoba in his route is often attributed to that worm he gets infected with, but I'd like to think Ren is not simply like the other AllMates who get infected too. After all, he is an existence that is both part of and separate from Aoba. A _human_ existence; even if he is fundamentally a fragment, he's still technically a human soul, so I'd like to think he _is_ capable of developing emotions—it's just his nature as Restraint that highly waters down that possibility. Then there's also the matter about his being an old AllMate model—exactly how long can he still last? (っ◞‸◟c)
> 
> I am pretty sure I would blabber on endlessly about so many other things about Ren that won't give me a peace of mind, so I'm gonna stop here xD Thank you for reading my little brainfart and please let me know what you think! (,,◕　⋏　◕,,)


End file.
